I honestly am starting to get pissed off with this whole emo thing. I am not ACTING emo, I am not trying to be anyone else that I'm not just so you can call me emo. I'm just being me.Most of the time. If that's what you call emo then so be it. I just don't like being labelled. There is only one me and that's all you're ever going to get. I mean, I have a lot of characteristics that have so called "earned" me that title I know. Like my obsession with death,black, my being sadistic, annhilistic and me pulling my hair all over my face(by the way, the last one is a STEREOTYPE. The moment you're hair falls over your face you automatically qualify as an emo. -_-Pisses me off to no end)

Anyway, if I AM emo, SO WHAT? Seriously, we're humans too you know. Not freak shows. I mean BIMBOS are more socially excepted than EMOS. How riduculous is that?! One of us has more brain cells than five bimbos put together!! I mean, if you meet a bimbo you'll just be like, oh. she's bimbotic. The end. I, on the other hand now have had a handfull of people come up to me and say stuff like "tanya, are you trying to be emo?" or "tanya, can you stop being emo" RIDICULOUS! That's like, "tanya, can you stop being tanya"!!!

That's why I burst out in tears today morning. I was already super depressed about yesterday during morning assembly, so I shoved my hair over my eyes so no one would see me crying. Then when I walked up to class this girl(shall not mention her name) saw my hair and went like "tany, are you trying to be emo" That did it. I felt like punching her face till...shall not elaborate. So I just stormed into the classroom and broke down. I couldn't take everything piling up on me like that. This just sucks. It seriously does.

And just so you know, the hair serves a goddamn purpose okay. As a security blanket. Trust me, it's been more helpful than YOU have been. So like it or not, IT STAYS! And I'll keep the fringe down just to piss you off.
lifeonthemurderscene5:09 PM

Oh. It wasn't supposed to hurt this much. Somebody stop the tears. They just keep flowing. My eyes are weary from all the crying but the tears just keep coming. It hurst so bad. I can't believe you said that. I finally open up to you and tell you what I'm going through and you turn around and MOCK me. And you still have the AUDACITY to ask me why I never tell you what happens in school. Do you have your answer now? Because I'm afraid of getting hurt. By my own mother.

Sure, this solo might seem like a small thing to you but it definitely isn't to me. It's the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. For someone who's been used to only being next to the spotlight for so long, being thrust into it all of a sudden is not easy for me. Not one bit. I finally pluck up the courage to tell you I'm scared. To get some encouragement. And you turn around and call me a loser. Those were the exact words you used. I'm not going to forget it for a very long time. And you go and complain to my father about how I'm afraid to play just one line alone. You wouldn't know. You've never been thorough it.

All I asked for today is your understanding. That at least even if you don't like the way I am, how afraid I am of doing this..at least don't rub it in. All I got in return was more sarcasm. You laughed in my face. I don't mind you talking, or yelling rather, ranting on about how my teachers must hate to have a student like me, how my marks disgust you so much. I'm used to it. No, the punching didn't hurt much either. It just stung for a couple of minutes. But that comment on my solo was what did it. Now the tears refuse to stop. It hurts. Bad.
lifeonthemurderscene9:25 PM

HAH! I DID IT!!! I managed to do what I thought I'd never be able to do my whole life. I played my solos in front of at least 3 other bands(TKGS main band + sec ones i think, St nicks and Fairfield). And there were like, 80 people in each band. and 80 times 4 is a grand total of 320 PEOPLE!!!Let me spell that out for you. Three hundred and twenty. Three hundred and twenty. OOOH! I could say that a thousand times and not get sick of saying it. Three hundred and twenty. Not including teachers and other adults around. Three hundred and friggin twenty.

Yes, I was shaking like I had fits the first time round. But that didn't affect my sound. Everybody said I sounded normal. Charmaine didn't even notice that I was shaking. That's good news. Meaning most of the other people in the other bands didn't either. The second time round I was shaking just a little. I'm so proud of myself!! Seriously, you have NO idea how much this solo thing is bugging me.

I mean, just the night before I dreamt that I had gone to see a therapist and he gave me these anti-depressants. And on the label it said: reduces anxiety. HAH! I honestl think I need them.I was like asking the doctor if it could last me up till April(cause that's when SYF takes place). See, it's affecting me so badly I have nightmares about it. But I think I can make it. I CAN play. Just not in front of a crowd. I mean, a crowd that's more than Three hundred and twenty.
Heh!My new lucky number.

Labels: Three hundred and twenty

lifeonthemurderscene1:49 PM

HEHEEE! For the first time this entire year, I have woken up a happy person. The reason can be summed up in one word:MCR!!!Okay, that's three words rolled into one. See, I was staying overnight in my friends house right(she has SCV.*sulks*). And when we woke up, I was like, will they be showing an MCR vid on MTV right now? We switched on the tv and HALLELUJAH!!!FAMOUS LAST WORDS!!! Gerard is the cutest mental case on the planet! Frank was so adorable when he decided to just sit there and pant*drools*. And Bob should be herbal essence's new spokesperson. He has the nicest GOLDEN BROWN hair on the planet. Accentuated by the flames roaring behing him. *drools again*. Mikey and Ray were jamming away like nobody's business. WAHAHA! So now I'm HAPPY! Okay lame.
Then I was like, I wanna watch Fall Out Boy's this ain't a scene. Waddaya noe. Two vids later THEY SHOW IT!!! My friend was like, wow. this is your lucky day. YES IT IS!!! Patrick stump was SOOOO CUTE!!!The cutest nerd in the whole wide world. Besides mikey.
OOh! Berenice! You're volcano joke is now stuck in my head. Now everytime I see the word love i think of it as lava. Cause that day berenice told me the joke and went like "Tanya, do you lava me?" I told her no and she still was like even though you're denying it I know you lava me. Lame-o man! Which is sad. Cause you have emo potential.
Which brings me to me CAT. I swear, she's as suicidal and emo as I am! She spends most of her time on the window ledge, just itting there 8 storeys above gorund. It freaks me out man! I mean, one wrong move and I'd have lost the only living thing in the whole world that I actually love and care about. Then yesterday I spent like 10 minutes looking for her and finally found her in a very dark corner of the room hidden by a table cloth. Hehee. We both prefer the dark. So cool.
I forgot to mention what happened after CNY on fri. I went to PS( i was dropping my mum's friend off there. She's from canada). Then I met Bao hui and Sandra. Bao hui was picking up the yuckiest kinda t-shirts and poor sandra was like tagging along. heheee. Bao hui kept telling me "tanya, you have to trust my taste" and all the kinda crap. WOMAN! How can I trust someone who wears t-shirts with SLURPING APES on them?! And Bao hui dropped her sun flower (she put it in her POCKET) and then kept whining. Like wth! Your fault right!!Crazy nut. Aka my ex-best friend. Okay..don't feel like typing anymore. I'm bored....MCR RULES!!

Labels: Tanya likes BOB'S HAIR.

lifeonthemurderscene11:28 AM

oh HAHA to you too. If you don't want to believe me GO AHEAD. Just twist my words to suit yourself. So you can run to all your little friends and act all pathetic and get their sympathy. And of course, they'll willingly take it all in without bothering to find out my side of the story. Other peoples' insensitivity is not worth it. Of COURSE not. You want insensitive YOU GOT IT.
And yes I think you're blowing it out of proportion, as usual. You're always like "look, that girl is laughing at me" or "she went and complained to her friend about me so now her friend is also looking at me like that" Funny, you manage to spot things that no one else can.
Newflash: The world does not revolve around you. I have a right to befriend others. I have a right to TALK to others. And I have a right to smile and laugh with someone who isn't you. I never complain when you're talking or laughing with someone else. When you wanted to sit with aqila on the bus that day I was fine with it. I didn't run to someone else and start complaining "oh BOOHOO she's leaving me out" Cause I'm not that petty.
If you refuse to see that I am trying then fine. I might as well not try at all. Cause all my efforts will be gone to waste. No I don't appreciate this friendship that's why I've stuck with you for 3 and a half years. And I've always been the middle man for all of your disputes. YOU and GV. YOU and baohui. YOU and swee jin. And now YOU and me. Let's play spot the common factor shall we? I'll give you a hint: IT'S NOT ME! I'm not saying it's entirely your fault. But it isn't mine either. So don't you DARE go around telling people it is.
You have a problem SAY IT TO MY FACE. Don't go running to your juniors and tell them how horrible a friend I've been because I AM NOT. It's up to you if you want to believe me or carry on twisting my words to make me seem like the bad guy. Why do you need me anyway when you've got them?

Let's go back to the start like it use to be
Before you fell apart and you blamed it on me
Back when you were my friend,do you remember back then
All the plans that we made, can we get back to those days?
Those days come every now and again no way I feel like this is the end
~Dope. Always
lifeonthemurderscene3:35 PM

If this is what it feels like to be emo then I don't want to be emo anymore. Shoving my hair in front of my face so the world won't see me and I can't see it. Turning my mp3 on to full blast so I can't hear what goes on in the world around me. Having darkness and sorrow as your best friends isn't much fun.I hate waking up depressed, with tears inmy eyes everyday. And to constantly think about hurting or even killing yourself only to find that you're too afraid to do it...afraid of the consequences. But see, that's the silver lining in my very big, dark cloud. I still believe that there are consequences to face if I do something like that. Meaning I still belive in heaven and hell. So a part of me still belives in God. God..can you not see that I NEED you?

I went down to NTUC to buy something today. When I came back I saw Jessie waiting for me on the steps.MEOW! Yes angel, I love you too. Then I saw Sree's letter in my file. Thanking me for helping her feel at home. And wanchen's v-day present. She took the trouble of buying it for me(how'd you know I only like dark chocolate?), wrapping it up, writing a note and leaving it on my table. Even though I'm not her senior anymore, and she didn't have to even talk to me anymore. It's nice to know at least two or three people think you're worth their time. Two or three is a small number, I know. But three's a crowd. Right?
I always used to think those lines about faking a smile or wearing a mask, or those lines about facades were all so cliche. Now, I realise how true they are. Cause that's exactly what I'm doing every single day.

Labels: Masquerade. Hide your face so the world will never find you.

lifeonthemurderscene10:34 AM

Couldn't find a better title. Problem? I hate you. ALL of you. Thanks for making me feel unwanted. Great feeling. Makes you feel all effin warm and fuzzy inside. But YOU wouldn't know would you? Probably been popular your whole lives. Yes, I am talking to more than one person. A whole lot more than one person. I know I should be used to feeling ignored and redundant by now. Maybe I am. But that doesn't mean I have to like it. Have you ever wondered WHY I don't talk to you? No, you wouldn't have bothered, so I'll save you the trouble by telling you. It's because I don't know how. I know I'm not the most sociable person, but that's just who I am. I can't communicate well. I can't express myself well. Believe me, if I could I would.
And YOU. Just because you don't like me..us...doesn't mean you have to make it THAT obvious. Given your age and who you CLAIM to be. I'm not very fond of you either, but I just don't like knowing that someone doesn't think very much of me. At least have the decency to PRETEND that you're okay with me even if you don't want to have anything to do with me. It's gonna be less than a year anyway. Then I'm out of here. I'll be thrust into another place. Only to be rejected again. Joy.
Who says vampires will never hurt you? I beg to differ. It's the only statement from MCR I disagree with. If there's a God out there, I thank Him for MCR everyday. Cause it's nice to know that you're not the only one going through this. That even your heroes were once zeros. Rejected,dejected and on the verge of killing themselves. Maybe one day, I'll be able to make somethingof myself, just like you guys did. Till then, I've still got your songs to let me know that everything's gonna be all right.

My chemical romance. Teenagers:
Because the drugs never work
They're gonna give you a smirk
'Cause they got methods of keeping you clean
They're gonna rip up your heads,
Your aspirations to shreds
Another cog in the murder machine
...The boys and girls in the clique
'The awful names that they stick
You're never gonna fit in much, kid

Yeah. I know. But thanks anyway...

Labels: Life sucks. And so do you.

lifeonthemurderscene6:42 PM

So today was v-day...big deal. I seriously don't get it. It's called VALENTINE'S day not BEST FRIENDS day. Yeesh.Urgh. Whatever. And honestly I think I have more modd swings than a pregnant lady. I was like happy for half the day then depressed for the dumbest reason during sectionals. I was worse yesterday. OOOH! Shall tell you what happened yesterday.
I was feeling down for absolutely no reason at all. So when I'm depressed I'll just shove my hair in front of my eyes. I was walking like that towards the bio lab, and Mrs. Foo was walking in my direction and she came up to me and went " I can' see half your face". Then she tried imitating me by pushing her hair onto her face as well.(quite cute actually) Everyone else seemed to find it highly amusing. The during chem Ms Begum glanced over at me and said " Tanya! What happened to your hair" Then said something about me looking as though I felt like life was frustrating. Not very far off from the truth. Berenice and charis started calling me emo kid. FFFFascinating.
Today morning was great though. During morning assembly grandpa said that my solo yesterday was very nice and 5 mins later si wei said the same thing. And Shang Yu wrote in my postcard it was nice. YAY! I'm IMPROVING!!!! Mr. Ong, thanks for having faith in me. I'll prove to the world that you made the right choice for solo-ist.You rock !!!:D
lifeonthemurderscene5:45 PM

Okay, not a big backstreet boys fan but I couldn't resist using that line as my title. See, this whole I-believe-in-God-but-I-don't thing is getting a whole lot more complicated than I thought it would be. It's like, been a part of me my ENTIRE life, and then suddenly this tiny doubt pops into my head and wrecks everything. Like you're building a grand castle out of a deck of cards and a tiny gust of wind is all it takes for all those cards to topple down into a messy heap. No, you are not back to square one. It's more like square zero, cause you have to retrive all the cards, check that none are missing, stack them up neatly AND THEN try building your castle all over again.
Everytime I had a problem, I'd just be like, God, what did I do wrong? Can you help me fix it? And now everytime I have a problem (funny, after the whole I don't really believe in God thing the problems just keep coming and refuse to go away) I'll feel like talking to God, but a voice in my head goes "what God?"
OOOH!!! SITUATIONAL IRONY! or whatever you call it. I'm listening to Robbie williams' FEEL and he's singing "I sit and talk to God, and He just laughs at my plans" Haiz....
I feel so EMPTY! It's like losing part of myself...more than that...ARGH! I don't know how to describe and I shall stop trying to before I tear up.
SITUATIONAL IRONY AGAIN! or is it another type of irony? Nevermind. Robbie williams is going "there's a hole in my soul, you can see it in my face, it's a real big place" There you go. It's something like that. Maybe. whatever.
lifeonthemurderscene7:11 PM

I can't believe I'm saying this but I WANNA GO BACK TO SCHOOL! I have absolutely nothing to do at home which is why I 'm blogging at 7.45 in the morning. Yeesh. Hoho, at least I get to spend some extra time with my baby angel. Right now the little furball is curled up on my parents bed behind me staring at the floor. She's as bored as I am. meowness.
Swee Jin, I'm sorry for leaving you partnerless for two days. Hehx. I KNOW you miss me. You don't have to tell me that you do. I miss my friends. Gosh it's only been two days. I sound like a wimp. Honestly, I wish I could go to school but just getting out of bed this morning made me dizzy. GAH! I'm fine now. shall go to school tomorrow. I know I'm missing the sec 1 welcome party but who cares. Si wei told me theres only gonna potato chips and soft drinks. Sheesh.
ARGH! I'm gonna go back to school to find at least 3 test papers waiting for me to do them. Or was it 4. Who cares? I'm screwed.
lifeonthemurderscene7:42 AM

Me has FLU!!! And a terrible headache and etc. so I did not go to school today. Terrible. Have absolutely nothing to do at home. Hiaz....I have no more prison break to look forward to on thursdays either. sadness. I love my new blogskin!! Took me at least three hours to modify it. Feel like a pro :p
lifeonthemurderscene8:51 AM

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

To walk within the lines
Would make my life so boring
I want to know that I have been to the extreme
So knock me off my feet
Come on now give it to me
Anything to make me feel alive

Labels: Avril Lavigne. Anything But Ordinary

lifeonthemurderscene8:26 PM

Frivolous. Cowardly. Heartless. I'm everything you'd never want to be. And a whole lot less.

Well I was there on the day they sold the cause for the Queen
And when the lights all went out, we watched our lives on the screen
I hate the ending myself, but it started with an alright scene.
It was the roar of the crowd that gave me heartache to sing
It was a lie when they smiled and said you won't feel a thing
~My Chemical Romance. Disenchanted
lifeonthemurderscene8:20 PM